Thanatopsis

Surprisingly, while I was browsing through the net, I stumbled over Tin's blog. I read her entry regarding a tribute page she dedicated to you. Across the Universe -- hearing the song triggered another reminiscing of a set of painful, remarkable yet happy memories that we made together.

Perhaps, despite the fact that it was almost three months since you have gone, your very memory remains contained within the secluded four-walls of the office.

My sanctuary. I have always considered this place as my solitary haven. Right after every hectic and brain-draining class, I would hurry fixing my things in order to escape the jungle-like commotion occurring after each lecture. I appreciate academics and I love science. But most concepts and formulas in Engineering baffle me. Needless to say, I have never really intended to become an engineer. (Not even once in my life!) For years, the answer to my question fled me. Now, it resounded loudly through the deepest recesses of my brain.

Engineering was the only way that would lead me to YOU.


It's funny how tragic moments such as the loss of a significant person in your life can lead to a deeper understanding of yourself. It's surprising how in this moment of brokenness can one actually find the wholeness of one's self.

Before, I was but a stray and lonely soul seeking the salve to that lasting emptiness within my heart. I have spent years and years of my life looking for that missing piece hoping that once I owned it, I would be able to find the entirety of my existence.

Now, the elixir found its way through my hands. However, my eyes were blinded by the darkness that consumed my being. It was only when I lost it that I realized I already had it.

As that paradoxical cliche goes, "You only learn the value of a person once you lose him."

But then again, my heart knows that there is a reason to rejoice. We have only lost you physically yet your spirit remains with us. The memories embedded in our hearts and minds will revive every trace of your existence -- physically and spiritually.

I feel your presence everyday even as I arise from deep slumber and then close my eyes for another day's repose.

I feel you when I am happy. But, your presence lingers stronger in my moments of anguish and sorrow.

It seems you have your own way of telling me you will always be there for me despite the fact that we already are light years apart from each other. We are two separate universes revolving around one another. A parallax is but a second away to two hearts melded together by the Craftsman's hands.


I'll wait for you, someday, somewhere in that place known only to you and I.


Somewhere only we know.


In our own time.


Te diligo, my Jacob.

--Raphaelle (I. N. J.)

(Will of the Wind and Light Catches your Face by Bell X1 playing on the background)