Wednesday, October 7, 2009

To my Better Half




I stopped living my life.

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

In Memoriam




May 5, 2009


There is beauty in absence.
-- Solitary Moonstar, Camera Walls


Saan nga ba patutungo ang entry kong ito? Alam ko at alam mong walang ibang patutunguhan ito kundi -- IKAW.

Magtatatlong buwan na rin simula nang mawala ka. Nalalapit na rin ang finals namin.

Tamang-tama naman, kauuwi ko lang at kapapasak ng mga headphones sa tenga ko para makarinig ng kanta sa radyo. Natural, hiniram ko na naman ang cellphone ni Mama.

Biglang narinig ko ang isang kantang bago sa pandinig ko sa Jam FM. Nakinig ako dahil sadyang nakaeengganyo ang ritmong taglay nang nasabing awiting ito.

Hanggang matunton ko ang linyang sadyang nakapagpagising sa kasalukuyang nalilito kong diwa.

Is there really beauty in absence? To me, absence means emptiness and emptiness eventually leads to pain.

But then again, had I not lost an essential part of me, I would never realize the positive side of absence -- LOVE. We truly appreciate the value of a person once we finally lose him or her.

Nasa punto pa lang ako na matutuklasan ko pa lang na mahal kita. Kung tutuusin, kung nagkatotoo lang sana ang love story nating dalawa, alam kong ito ang bubuo sa isang hungkag na bahagi ng puso ko. Ngayong wala ka na, may pag-asa pa bang mapunan ang espasyong sa'yo lang nakalaan?

Nanghihinayang ako, sa totoo lang. It was only now that I realized, it was YOU all along. You are the embodiment of my ideal man. You are that person I have long sought and dreamt of.

And then, that almost impossible, long-buried dream stole me away from dreaming as I later on found out that all I wanted was to become an international writer.

Mahirap at malamang, maraming taong pagtatawanan ako sa oras na malaman nilang ito ang pangarap ko. Pero, king hindi ako mangangarap nang malaki, ano pa ang silbi nang paghahangad na makilala? Hindi ba, kaya nga tayo binigyan ng Diyos ng kakayahang abutin ang mga pangarap natin ay dahil sa nais niyang gamitin natin ng buo at walang pag-aalinlangan ang mga talentong ibinigay Niya sa atin?

Aking anghel, alam ko, kung naririto ka pa, sususportahan mo ako sa adhikaing ito. Parehas tayong labis ang pagmamahal sa mga letra. Para rin sa iyo ito.

Mahal na mahal kita.

(Raphaelle I. N. J.)

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Skin-Deep



(December 11, 2002)


Innocence,
leaves its mark
in a young child's mind,
producing a scarlet track
in a juvenile's mind.

Little girl,
beside the window.
Are you in trouble?
In pain? In deep sorrow?
Their names you do not know,
their voices you are unfamiliar of.
An incubus it seems,
in this whirlpool of woven dreams...

Awakened by the shadow
of the one called TRUTH.
It's reflection in the mirror
is sure to bring you terror!

Until...

I realized,
You and I are but apart.

Now you've grown
with a horrible realization,
Soon to steal your youth.
You've strayed silently, away from home,
to the place where you belong.

Where have you gone?
Miles and miles until the task is done.
Then, come back to your land,
where your family waits at hand.

Can it be that
You and I
are ONE?
For like you, I was all alone,
feeling cold and restless,
and each night, silently mourn...

My mother does not seem my tears,
nor can she hear my endless pleas.
She cannot feel my heartbeat,
falling and stopping every minute.
She cannot comprehend,
my every pondering moment.

My father, he is not aware,
of my hidden lair.
He is distant as a star,
out of reach from afar.

Mother, Father, don't you hear me call?
Someone help me before I completely fall!

-->> Ang tulang ito ang isa sa makapagpapatunay na bata pa lamang ako ay literary emo na ako. Tingin ko nga, ipinanganak talaga ako bilang isang literary emo.

Masyado kasi akong malungkutin noong bata pa ako. Maraming itinatagong sakit at hinanakit. At gaya nang sinasabi ng isa sa mga linya ng tula ko,

"My mother does not seem my tears,
nor can she hear my endless pleas.
She cannot feel my heartbeat,
falling and stopping every minute.
She cannot comprehend,
my every pondering moment."


Talagang hirap ang nanay kong intindihin ang personalidad ko noong bata pa ako. Para kasing hindi normal ang paraan ko nang pag-iisip para sa isang bata. Para raw akong matanda. At kung minsan, tinatawag pa niya akong abnormal at may sariling mundo.

Hindi niya alam na nagtago ako ng sama ng loob sa kanya noon dahil dito.

Pero, nang tumanda na ako, sa wakas, nagawa na rin niyang gamayin kung papaano ba dapat akong pakibagayan at alam na rin niya kung ano ba talaga ang mga gusto at ayaw ko sa buhay. (^-^)

Akala ko talaga, hindi na darating ang panahong maiintindihan niya rin ako. But it seems like, I was wrong. SHE IS MY MOTHER, AFTER ALL.

Para saan pa ang siyam na buwang dinala niya ako sa sinapupunan niya?

Ikaw, naranasan mo rin ba kung papaano'ng hindi maintindihan at tanggapin ng iba?

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

... Silent Cushion

Silent cushion, be my salve today.
Enchanting melody, lull me to sleep, I pray.
Lost in a universe forbidding time or pain,
So then, I shall close my eyes and lay.

Numb and free of life's bitter blows,
The world looks upon me through a window.
Yet today, silent cushion, encased in your protection,
I shall hear no more of life's cruel jest and vexation.

Lost in deep slumber, then I remember,
That familiar face. For then, I find cause for joy.
Smiling at me, my angel, my comforter,
Holds me forever, in an embrace never to be broken.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Time After Time

(August 29, 2007)

That familiar song once again lulled my weary heart and body into a state of tranquility as my entire being felt numb in the arms of this coldness enveloping me.

"Lying in bed, I hear the clock tick and think of you..."

You are the sun that illuminated the darkness of my world. You are the warmth that embraces me as my entire existence faded into oblivion. My entire being revolves around you, rotates about you. This must be the longest night of my life. My mind kept on wandering as I tightly shut my eyes to take the deepest slumber leading me to eternity.

"Watching through windows, confusion is nothing new..."

My hands reach to wipe the glass pane serving as a portal to a vision of your face. But they remain numb and stiff despite my effort. I only I could touch your face and plant a kiss on those silent lips of yours. Yet, I content myself watching you from afar, with my eyes shedding tears for a man I have long dreamt of and fantasized. All that remains is the blur picture of a memory that only I hold. These brine wells serve as my only solace to that melancholic, empty feeling slaving my heart.

"Sometimes you picture me, I'm walking too far ahead. You're calling to me I can't hear what you've said..."

Echoes from a distant past keep haunting my almost sedated being. What were the things you wanted to tell me? What were those things that you wanted to say? You tried to chase me but I am far too remote to be reached. Were you trying to explain or were you just trying to console me after learning the bitter taste of rejection?

"You said, go slow. I fall behind..."

Perhaps, I rushed myself into falling in love. I never thought of the consequences, frustrations, tears and worst -- reality. Its venomous fangs got over me as it slowly poisoned the crimson flowing within me. I knew from the very start that destiny is setting us apart. Yet, love can be stupid and blind for its own selfish and petty reasons. Now, here I am left to savor the pain brought by the memories. Misery is left embedded in my soul dying and suffering in this chamber.

"the second hand unwinds.."

I can no longer recall the birth of this feeling I have long kept and known. Sometimes I would wish I never met you, but fate has its own way of playing the game... Will my love end or shall it forever remain? The grandfather clock stopped ticking. My time has run out.

"If you're lost, you can look and you will find me, time after time. If you fall, I will catch you, I'll be waiting. Time after time..."

When will you bring roses?I wish you would send me the white ones. Three white roses to symbolize that once in your life, a person like me existed although her existence remained unseen and unnoticed. I f you have the time, do visit me before they bury me six feet underground. I shall forever carry with me your acknowledgment after you have dropped those roses on my coffin.

You know what? I wish they would dig deep deeper so that there, I might find the rest and salve from the consuming anguish of your rejection of my love. They said it was stupid to die for love... But hey, I thought I was Juliet who chose eternal slumber for her Romeo.

I know you are just somewhere, probably in the arms of another girl you love.

"I'll be waiting, time after time."

Visit me anytime. Feel free to come and talk to me if ever she broke your heart. If you needed someone to ease that pain inside, whisper my name into the sky. When you feel the wind kiss you and envelop you in an embrace never wanting to let go, that is the time you know I am beside you. At least, that is the only way I know to show how much I love you. When the leaves on the trees form a circle on top of my grave, know that I have forgiven you and am blessing your relationship with her...

"I will be waiting..."





This is eternal love.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Kindred Souls

For the past few years, I have been searching for that one person who would complete me.

Like the lovebirds in the cage, I was hoping that that person would not only complete me, but also fill that void within my empty world.

Finding him was like searching for a needle amongst a stack of hay.

And the path that led me to him was difficult to trudge.

Yet fate has its own way of leading you to your destination.



I finally found him. We were like two universes so equally designed to meld with each other. Our destinies were intertwined just as the sun and the world so transfixed with each other that the world will never exist without the sun.

He was the sun in my world. The very reason of my predetermined existence.

And now, he is gone...

Should I choose to kill myself so that we would be together again? Perhaps, up there, across the sky, we would be like two stars revolving around each other. Our light shall serve as the fire and heat in our frigid and ghastly universe.

But then, he left me.

A lovebird, once he loses his companion, chooses to end his life in order to be with his partner.

He never looks for another partner for he understood the fact that though another person may have the same personality or characteristics as his former lover, the new person would never replace the original lover.

Nobody can replace him in my heart.

... When the time comes, will the universe conspire with us ?

... Time may pass yet I know that I wish to hold your hand until the time we grow old. If possible, even for an eternity...


--Raphaelle (I. N. J.)


Thanatopsis

Surprisingly, while I was browsing through the net, I stumbled over Tin's blog. I read her entry regarding a tribute page she dedicated to you. Across the Universe -- hearing the song triggered another reminiscing of a set of painful, remarkable yet happy memories that we made together.

Perhaps, despite the fact that it was almost three months since you have gone, your very memory remains contained within the secluded four-walls of the office.

My sanctuary. I have always considered this place as my solitary haven. Right after every hectic and brain-draining class, I would hurry fixing my things in order to escape the jungle-like commotion occurring after each lecture. I appreciate academics and I love science. But most concepts and formulas in Engineering baffle me. Needless to say, I have never really intended to become an engineer. (Not even once in my life!) For years, the answer to my question fled me. Now, it resounded loudly through the deepest recesses of my brain.

Engineering was the only way that would lead me to YOU.


It's funny how tragic moments such as the loss of a significant person in your life can lead to a deeper understanding of yourself. It's surprising how in this moment of brokenness can one actually find the wholeness of one's self.




Before, I was but a stray and lonely soul seeking the salve to that lasting emptiness within my heart. I have spent years and years of my life looking for that missing piece hoping that once I owned it, I would be able to find the entirety of my existence.

Now, the elixir found its way through my hands. However, my eyes were blinded by the darkness that consumed my being. It was only when I lost it that I realized I already had it.

As that paradoxical cliche goes, "You only learn the value of a person once you lose him."

But then again, my heart knows that there is a reason to rejoice. We have only lost you physically yet your spirit remains with us. The memories embedded in our hearts and minds will revive every trace of your existence -- physically and spiritually.

I feel your presence everyday even as I arise from deep slumber and then close my eyes for another day's repose.

I feel you when I am happy. But, your presence lingers stronger in my moments of anguish and sorrow.

It seems you have your own way of telling me you will always be there for me despite the fact that we already are light years apart from each other. We are two separate universes revolving around one another. A parallax is but a second away to two hearts melded together by the Craftsman's hands.


I'll wait for you, someday, somewhere in that place known only to you and I.


Somewhere only we know.


In our own time.


Te diligo, my Jacob.

--Raphaelle (I. N. J.)

(Will of the Wind and Light Catches your Face by Bell X1 playing on the background)

Monday, May 4, 2009

... When the Second Hand Unwinds



Time After Time
Cyndi Lauper

Lying in my bed I hear the clock tick,
and think of you
caught up in circles confusion--
is nothing new
Flashback--warm nights--
almost left behind
suitcases of memories,
time after--

sometimes you picture me-- I'm walking too far ahead you're calling to me, I can't hear what you've said-- Then you say--go slow-- I fall behind-- the second hand unwinds

Chorus:

if you're lost you can look--and you will find me
time after time
if you fall I will catch you--I'll be waiting
time after time

after my picture fades and darkness has
turned to gray
watching through windows--you're wondering
if I'm OK
secrets stolen from deep inside
the drum beats out of time--

Chorus:

if you're lost...
you said go slow--
I fall behind
the second hand unwinds--

Chorus:

if you're lost...
...time after time
time after time
time after time
time after time

-- Perhaps, it was finally time that your clock of existence stopped ticking. It was indeed untimely. I never thought that the very song I loved ever since high school would be the same song I would choose to dedicate to you.

Physically, you are light years away. But in my heart, forever, you would remain.

"If what you found was of pure matter, it will never spoil and one can always come back. But if what you found was only a moment of light, like the explosion of a star, you would find nothing on your return."

--The Alchemist


You are my better half. Years may count yet your memory would forever remain nestling in my heart.


Te diligo, my Jacob.

--Raphaelle (I. N. J.)

"ULTIMO"

Balot ng kadiliman ang buong silid. Mula sa kawalan, pumailanlang ang isang makapanindig balahibong pagtawa mula sa isang ‘di kilalang personalidad. Sa sobrang takot, napayakap siya sa kanyang sarili, umaasang ang simpleng paraang ito ay magagawa siyang protektahan mula sa nagbabadyang panganib.


“Hahaha! Hahaha!”


Patuloy ang malakas na nakabibinging pagtawang nanunuot sa kaibuturan ng kanyang pagkatao. Ni hindi na niya napansin ang pagtulo ng mga luha sa kanyang mga mata.


“Parang awa mo na... H-h-huwag mo a-k-kkong sasaktan... Ibaba mo na ‘yang kutsilyo...”


“Mamamatay ka! Hahaha!”


Paulit-ulit ang pag-unday ng kutsilyo sa kanyang biktima. Tulad ng isang ibong mandaragit, walang mababakas ni kaunting awa mula sa mga mata nang maninila.



“Nakakaawa ka.”



Dahan-dahang humakbang ang kanyang mga paa papalayo sa wala ng buhay na biktima. Magaling magtago ang kadiliman. Magagawa nitong itago ang kasalanang ginawa niya ngayon. Maging ang pait at lungkot na umaalipin sa puso niya sa mga oras na ito. Subalit bukas, liliwanag din. Hanggang kailan siya magtatago?




Dagling ginulantang ang malalim niyang pag-iisip nang malakas na tunog ng telepono. Wala siyang nagawa kundi ang tumayo para sagutin ito.

“Kailan mo ba ipapasa ‘yung bago mong nobela,” iritadong tanong nang nasa kabilang linya.

“Sa susunod na buwan. Isinusulat ko pa ‘yung ibang kabanata ngayon,” malumanay naman niyang tugon. Mainit na naman ang ulo ng isang ito, nasabi niya sa sarili. Bakit ba hindi maintindihan ng mga ito na hindi ganoon kadaling magsulat?

“Sinabi mo ‘yan, ha? Sa susunod na buwan, inaasahan kong tapos na ‘yan.” Sabay baba ng telepono ng kanyang kausap.

Malilintikan na naman siya nito panigurado. Ang mga tao sa palimbagan ay hindi talaga nakaiintindi sa estado ng mga manunulat. Subalit kailangan niyang magsulat para mabuhay. Ito na lang ang tanging bagay na nagbibigay ng kahulugan sa kanyang pananatili sa mundo.
Bakit kaya hindi pa tumatawag si Leo?

Napabuntung-hininga siya. Namimiss na niya ang kanyang kasintahan. Ilang araw na rin itong hindi nagpaparamdam sa kanya. Sumagi na sa isip niya ang alalahaning baka may ibang babae itong kasama. Subalit, pilit niyang iwinaglit sa isip ang bagay na ito. Mahal na mahal niya si Leo. Hindi niya kayang mawala ito sa kanya.

Mawala na silang lahat, ‘wag lang siya…

Muli, sinimulan niyang tumipa ng mga letra sa harap ng kompyuter. Kailangan niyang matapos ang kanyang akda.


Tulad ng isang agilang handang manila nang kaawa-awang inakay, matama siyang nagmatyag sa kanyang pakay.

Ang kaawa-awang inakay naman ay tila walang kaalam-alam sa panganib na nag-aabang sa kanya. Kampante pa itong naglilibot sa kaparangan at walang kamalay-malay na ito na ang huling sandali na masisilayan pa ng buwan ang kanyang kagandahan.

“Magsama-sama kayong lahat! Pare-pareho lang kayo! Mga haliparot. Mang-aagaw!”
At isang malakas na sigaw ang pumailanlang sa katahimikan ng gabi.


Sa wakas, natapos na niya ang ikalabindalawang kabanata ng kanyang akda. Isang kabanata na lamang ang kinakailangan niyang bunuin. Subalit, gusto ba niya talagang isara ang kabanatang ito? Gusto niya ba talagang matapos ang bahaging ito ng buhay niya?

“Hindi na kita mahal.” Wala ni anumang bakas ng lungkot ang makikita sa mukha ng lalaking minamahal niya at sinasamba.

“Hindi totoo ‘yan! Ang sabi mo sa ‘kin, mahal mo ako. Na tayong dalawa hanggang sa tumanda tayo!”

“Haha! Hindi mo ba naiintindihan? O tanga ka lang talaga?” Tinabig siya nito sa noo na tila pinamumukha nito kung gaano siya kabobo.

“Hindi kita mahal at lalong hindi kita minahal kahit kailan! Kung inaakala mo na espesyal ka, na ikaw na ang babaeng makapagpapabago sa akin, puwes nagkakamali ka. Hindi pa ipinapanganak ang babaeng makapagpapatino sa akin.” Tumalikod na ito tanda nang tuluyang paglimot nito sa nakaraan at kinabukasan nila -- kung mayroon man sila nito.

Pamilyar na ang ganitong eksena. Sampung taon na rin ang nakalilipas nang maiwan siyang nag-iisa sa mundo.

Umalis ng kanilang tahanan ang kanyang ama dahil sa kinalolokohan nitong babae. Ang kanyang ina, dala nang sobrang samang loob at kalungkutan ay inatake sa puso. Kung kani-kaninong kamag-anak siya napunta at nakitira para lamang mabuhay. Nagtiis siya, ininda lahat ang paghihirap kahit na wala na ni katiting mang karangalang natitira sa kanya.

Sa loob ng isang gabi, nawala na ang lahat-lahat sa kanya.

At sa lahat ng hirap na iyon, wala siyang alam na maitugon kundi ang lumuha. Subalit nagbago siya. Wala nang makapananakit pa sa kanya.

“Magsama-sama kayong lahat, mga lapastangan! Hindi n’yo na ako masasaktan pa.”

Limang taon na rin ang nakalilipas nang iniwan siya ng kanyang ama. Isang balita ang bumulaga sa bawat diyaryo.

Mag-asawa, patay sa sumabog na kotse.

Patay na ang lalaking dahilan kung bakit siya nabubuhay sa mundong ito. Wala ni isang luhang pumatak mula sa kanyang mga mata.

“Mabuti nga sa inyo… Magkikita na kayo ni Satanas sa impiyerno. Hahaha! Hahaha!”

“Inay, para sa’yo ang lahat ng ito…”


Hanggang ngayon, wala pang nakikitang ebidensya ang pulisya na magtuturo sa katauhan ng salarin. Malaya pa ring nakalilibot sa bawat kalsada ang maysala.

Naulit lamang ang nakaraan. At ngayon, siya naman ang makararanas kung gaano kasakit at kapait ang magmahal ng lubos.

“Wala nang makasasakit pa sa akin. Wala na... Wala na. Magsasama-sama kayong lahat sa impiyerno!”


Walang kamalay-malay ang lalaking minsan niyang minahal at pinagbigyan ng kanyang kabuuan sa mga magaganap.

Nangangatal na ang kanyang mga daliri sa pagtitipa ng mga letra. Pahaba nang pahaba ang mga salita hanggang sa maging isang ganap na pangungusap upang sa huli’y maging isang talata.
Narungisan nang kulay pulang likido ang kanyang mga kamay habang mabilis na bumabagsak sa bawat isang letra ang kanyang mga daliri.

“Kailangan ko nang matapos ito. Ang pinakahuling kabanata sa akda ko.”


Walang makapagpaliwanag sa sunud-sunod na kamatayang nagaganap. Subalit sa bawat lugar na pinangyarihan ng krimen, makikita ang isang papel kung saan makikita ang isang katagang Latin – ang Ultimo na nangangahulugang katapusan.

Sa loob ng kadiliman ng kanyang silid, niyakap niya ang kanyang sarili. Umaasa siyang sa simpleng paraang iyon ay magagawa niyang maprotektahan ang sarili mula sa lahat ng sakit na nadarama niya.

“Inay, galit ka ba sa mga ginawa ko? Ginawa ko lang naman iyon kasi gusto kong maging masaya ka... Sinaktan ka nila, tayo. Hindi ba tama lang naman ang nangyari sa kanila?”

Kinabukasan, isang balita ang pumuno sa halos lahat ng dyaryo sa bansa nang araw na iyon.


Batikang manunulat, patay sa sunog

Sa isang bahagi ng kanyang bahay, makikita ang isang abuhing kulay ng papel kung saan makikita ang salitang ULTIMO na nakasulat sa pamamagitan ng kanyang sariling dugo.

--Raphaelle (I.N.J.)




... Cautious one, Dare not to Enter the Portal


Όταν ο χρόνος σας είναι να πεθάνεις;





WHEN I am dead, my dearest,
Sing no sad songs for me;
Plant thou no roses at my head,
Nor shady cypress tree:
Be the green grass above me
With showers and dewdrops wet;
And if thou wilt, remember,
And if thou wilt, forget.

I shall not see the shadows,
I shall not feel the rain;
I shall not hear the nightingale
Sing on, as if in pain;
And dreaming through the twilight
That doth not rise nor set,
Haply I may remember,
And haply may forget.

(Song, Christina Georgina Rossetti)


-- Today, I lie in bed, tossing and turning with thoughts juxtaposed in a massive concoction of

fear and anxiety. You are part of my every wandering. As I arise from peaceful slumber, your

very memory haunts me like a song reverberating through the walls of my heart.

Σε αγαπώ.

Even as I close my eyes and thoughts to escape this gnawing loneliness within me, still, your

voice resonates through the very recesses of my soul. No matter where I look, the four walls

would remind me of the moments we shared and the times where our souls nestled upon the

comfort we found in each other.

Είστε καλύτερα μου μισό.

My eyes are forever blinded by the beauty you have shown. My angel, I ask for your

understanding. Forgive me but my heart belongs to you alone.