In Memoriam

May 5, 2009

There is beauty in absence.
-- Solitary Moonstar, Camera Walls

Saan nga ba patutungo ang entry kong ito? Alam ko at alam mong walang ibang patutunguhan ito kundi -- IKAW.

Magtatatlong buwan na rin simula nang mawala ka. Nalalapit na rin ang finals namin.

Tamang-tama naman, kauuwi ko lang at kapapasak ng mga headphones sa tenga ko para makarinig ng kanta sa radyo. Natural, hiniram ko na naman ang cellphone ni Mama.

Biglang narinig ko ang isang kantang bago sa pandinig ko sa Jam FM. Nakinig ako dahil sadyang nakaeengganyo ang ritmong taglay nang nasabing awiting ito.

Hanggang matunton ko ang linyang sadyang nakapagpagising sa kasalukuyang nalilito kong diwa.

Is there really beauty in absence? To me, absence means emptiness and emptiness eventually leads to pain.

But then again, had I not lost an essential part of me, I would never realize the positive side of absence -- LOVE. We truly appreciate the value of a person once we finally lose him or her.

Nasa punto pa lang ako na matutuklasan ko pa lang na mahal kita. Kung tutuusin, kung nagkatotoo lang sana ang love story nating dalawa, alam kong ito ang bubuo sa isang hungkag na bahagi ng puso ko. Ngayong wala ka na, may pag-asa pa bang mapunan ang espasyong sa'yo lang nakalaan?

Nanghihinayang ako, sa totoo lang. It was only now that I realized, it was YOU all along. You are the embodiment of my ideal man. You are that person I have long sought and dreamt of.

And then, that almost impossible, long-buried dream stole me away from dreaming as I later on found out that all I wanted was to become an international writer.

Mahirap at malamang, maraming taong pagtatawanan ako sa oras na malaman nilang ito ang pangarap ko. Pero, king hindi ako mangangarap nang malaki, ano pa ang silbi nang paghahangad na makilala? Hindi ba, kaya nga tayo binigyan ng Diyos ng kakayahang abutin ang mga pangarap natin ay dahil sa nais niyang gamitin natin ng buo at walang pag-aalinlangan ang mga talentong ibinigay Niya sa atin?

Aking anghel, alam ko, kung naririto ka pa, sususportahan mo ako sa adhikaing ito. Parehas tayong labis ang pagmamahal sa mga letra. Para rin sa iyo ito.

Mahal na mahal kita.

(Raphaelle I. N. J.)

Skin-Deep

(December 11, 2002)

Innocence,
leaves its mark
in a young child's mind,
producing a scarlet track
in a juvenile's mind.

Little girl,
beside the window.
Are you in trouble?
In pain? In deep sorrow?
Their names you do not know,
their voices you are unfamiliar of.
An incubus it seems,
in this whirlpool of woven dreams...

Awakened by the shadow
of the one called TRUTH.
It's reflection in the mirror
is sure to bring you terror!

Until...

I realized,
You and I are but apart.

Now you've grown
with a horrible realization,
Soon to steal your youth.
You've strayed silently, away from home,
to the place where you belong.

Where have you gone?
Miles and miles until the task is done.
Then, come back to your land,
where your family waits at hand.

Can it be that
You and I
are ONE?
For like you, I was all alone,
feeling cold and restless,
and each night, silently mourn...

My mother does not seem my tears,
nor can she hear my endless pleas.
She cannot feel my heartbeat,
falling and stopping every minute.
She cannot comprehend,
my every pondering moment.

My father, he is not aware,
of my hidden lair.
He is distant as a star,
out of reach from afar.

Mother, Father, don't you hear me call?
Someone help me before I completely fall!

-->> Ang tulang ito ang isa sa makapagpapatunay na bata pa lamang ako ay literary emo na ako. Tingin ko nga, ipinanganak talaga ako bilang isang literary emo.

Masyado kasi akong malungkutin noong bata pa ako. Maraming itinatagong sakit at hinanakit. At gaya nang sinasabi ng isa sa mga linya ng tula ko,

"My mother does not seem my tears,
nor can she hear my endless pleas.
She cannot feel my heartbeat,
falling and stopping every minute.
She cannot comprehend,
my every pondering moment."

Talagang hirap ang nanay kong intindihin ang personalidad ko noong bata pa ako. Para kasing hindi normal ang paraan ko nang pag-iisip para sa isang bata. Para raw akong matanda. At kung minsan, tinatawag pa niya akong abnormal at may sariling mundo.

Hindi niya alam na nagtago ako ng sama ng loob sa kanya noon dahil dito.

Pero, nang tumanda na ako, sa wakas, nagawa na rin niyang gamayin kung papaano ba dapat akong pakibagayan at alam na rin niya kung ano ba talaga ang mga gusto at ayaw ko sa buhay. (^-^)

Akala ko talaga, hindi na darating ang panahong maiintindihan niya rin ako. But it seems like, I was wrong. SHE IS MY MOTHER, AFTER ALL.

Para saan pa ang siyam na buwang dinala niya ako sa sinapupunan niya?

Ikaw, naranasan mo rin ba kung papaano'ng hindi maintindihan at tanggapin ng iba?

... Silent Cushion

Silent cushion, be my salve today.
Enchanting melody, lull me to sleep, I pray.
Lost in a universe forbidding time or pain,
So then, I shall close my eyes and lay.

Numb and free of life's bitter blows,
The world looks upon me through a window.
Yet today, silent cushion, encased in your protection,
I shall hear no more of life's cruel jest and vexation.

Lost in deep slumber, then I remember,
That familiar face. For then, I find cause for joy.
Smiling at me, my angel, my comforter,
Holds me forever, in an embrace never to be broken.